What’s the first thing you wanted to be when you grew up? Think back as far as you can remember. I know exactly what my first dream was--I wanted to be a Laker Girl and a choreographer. I wanted to be Paula Abdul. I would kick my younger sister out of our room and perform in front of the mirror and a row of stuffed animals. I would use my prized possession--a baton filled with liquid and glitter--as a mic and lip-sync. In this dream world, my husband was the lead singer of INXS.
At around 6 years old I decided I was going to be a lawyer. Those stuffed animals who watched me choreograph to Straight Up were now the jury, and I was the intrepid Public Defender, keeping an innocent man from going to jail.
Then came my marine biologist phase, followed by wanting to be an EMT, a poet, and then a stage actress. That last phase was the longest, and it was probably the only one of all the adolescent dreams I was naturally good at. I have a vivid imagination, and I’m good at pretending. I acted through High School and College and then I let it go. When people ask why, I say that it was because my singing wasn’t good enough, and I wanted to be on Broadway. I make a joke about being two-thirds of a triple threat, and then I change the subject.
The truth is that I was afraid. I chose something safer. I didn’t have what it took to commit myself to a life of chasing a really big dream that was likely not to happen. I didn’t have the maturity at the time to think about all the possibilities that could happen on the way to a dream not fulfilled. Maybe new dreams would pop up, new opportunities. I know this now, at 40, but at 22 I was not thinking about the magical unknown. I was thinking about settling down, settling for another path that I did love but didn’t LOVE like being on stage.
I’m aware enough to know that my acting skills come in handy in my current career. The ability to adapt to an audience (in a theater or in a boardroom) is essential. I can connect with people of all backgrounds, because the same empathy that allows me to embody a character whose life I’ve never lived allows me to find the tiny sliver of Venn diagram overlap that any two people have. I know how to structure a speech, a presentation, a memo—because I understand the power of a three-act story. Even though the dream of being on stage is behind me, I still think about my Oscar acceptance speech and sometimes practice it in the shower holding a bottle of body wash, just like I did as a teenager. More often than not, though, the practiced speech is for my election-night victory celebration. This is the new dream that won’t be stolen by the “it’s too hard, it probably won’t happen” forces.
Cynicism is ugly. I’m still working on Jennie Allen’s book and the chapter I just finished today really had my number. Cynicism is my protective armor from hurt and disappointment. It’s a way to distance myself from the reality of rejection and failure. If you don’t try, you won’t fall short.
The consequences of cynicism are more serious than an acting career that never materialized. Cynicism ices the heart, it makes me cold and easily agitated. It keeps me from finding joy and beauty. It keeps me from letting others in and letting my love out. I’m so afraid of being hurt that I freeze in any moment of vulnerability and retreat.
This week will be a little tough. I’ll be home alone for the longest span since March of 2020. I don’t do “alone” very well, because of my suspicions, insecurities, and fears. So I’m going into it with the mindset of finding awe at the beauty of everyday things and actively choosing not to believe the worst-case scenarios in my head. I don’t need other people in my home in order to be loved. I can be alone but not lonely. The world is not out to get me.
I had a major realization today. Sometimes I wonder why God lets things happen to me that are so hard to handle. But I had a mindset shift that felt jarring, like being startled out of a power nap by a loud noise and immediately realizing that you are awake and alert. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve hurt others. This is the truth. The mindset startle came when I realized that God blessed me with these pain points because He knew I could handle them better than anyone else. Imagine the joy if you felt chosen for hard things because there was nobody on earth who He trusted more to be in that moment. If someone hurt you, and you actively work to forgive them, you’re doing the job you were meant for. You are capable. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be the one standing there hurt.
So I’ve wanted a lot of jobs. Turns out, the only job that I’ve always had is the job of being right where I was supposed to be at the time I was supposed to be there. Everything else is window dressing.
Five Things this Week
This beautiful short article about chasing your shadow
A Modern Love that will most definitely hit your heart
These flashcards that give you little exercises to break the monotony of your workday
I mean, I’m not going to do this any time soon, but I love imagining that I will
And just because about once a year, I remember how much I love this song
Good luck to me this week on my own. I’m doing a Half Marathon on Saturday with a legit pancake breakfast and Mimosas at the finish line, so there’s always that light at the end of the tunnel.
Xo,
Sarah
"You are capable. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be the one standing there hurt." goosebumps.